What's Left of Me
by whispertoascream333
Summary: Consumed with worry and doubt Eli takes a trip to visit Julia's grave in order to finally come to terms with her passing  ONE SHOT


What's Left of Me

"Hey, kid...get up," a scruffy voice called out. Eli's eyes had been shut as he had fallen asleep for an unknown amount of time. He jerked upright in his seat. The sudden flash of sunlight in his eyes blinded him momentarily. He inhaled deeply and rubbed his emerald eyes. He couldn't help but squint as he attempted to get adjusted to the new found light that surrounded him. Eli looked around trying to remember where he was for a moment. He looked up to where the voice had come from. A man with a white mustache and blue uniform stood over him. "Last stop, all passengers must exit," the man said patiently. Eli licked his lips and blinked a few times. He simply nodded and mumbled a quick "Okay" as he collected his things and prepared to leave off the train.

As Eli left his cart, he realized just how alone he really was. The train was eerily quiet as all other passengers had already went on their way. His duffle bag knocked into the cushioned blue and beige seats as he walked down the narrow aisle. The door of his cart was wide open and Eli could feel the heat of the sun already. He threw his bag lazily over his shoulder and held onto the silver rail for support as he drifted down the short steps. His feet made contact with the platform. He ran a hand through his dark brown hair and surveyed the area. He felt unsure of himself but he knew he had to keep moving. Eli left the train station altogether and walked down the side of the road.

Being out on his own did not scare Eli like he thought it would. He liked having the peace and quiet. His mind was actually void of constant nagging and worry. He was happy for it, relieved in fact to have time to himself. Eli had gone so long listening to the words of others that he felt he had lost his own voice. He dragged his feet as he continued on his walk. The air was hot but there was a comfortable breeze that would come by every now and then. He hadn't been to this section in a while, not since last year when his family had to move. He swallowed a lump that crept into his throat. It seemed to be lodged there. He balled his right hand into a fist and coughed. It helped a bit but he could still feel pressure. Eli walked down the familiar stretch of road. It felt as if no time had passed at all since he had last been there.

He knew where the road would take him. He had been down here plenty of times as a kid. The road would soon split and he would have to go down the dirt road. He would take the longer way. He needed more time to prepare himself. This part of town was so quiet. Only one or two cars had passed since he started walking. Eli kicked rocks as his feet shuffled. He tried to distract his mind from what he was about to do. He knew if he thought about it, he would not follow through with his plans. He had to go all the way with them. Eli could no longer put this off. He bit down on his lower lip and started to chew on it. This had become such a force of habit for him. His eyebrows bunched together as he tried to focus on anything other than what he was about to do.

Blue eyes, rosy cheeks, and pale porcelain skin clouded his vision. His insides shook at the mere thought. He smiled in spite of himself. Her face never ceased to light up his. His mind swam with thoughts of her. As the warm rays continued to wash over him, he suddenly felt lighter than air. He kept her in his mind's eye. He was able to conjure up the sound of her voice and her laughter. His smile grew as he imagined her small soft hands interlocked with his. He carried her in his spirit and the thought of her made Eli feel as if he could fly. He square his shoulders and marched ahead through the tall grassy area. Eli knew he was coming up to his destination soon and he could feel his body go numb. He walked along a small creek. The sounds of the gentle water helped to calm him as he readied himself from one of the most pivotal moments in his life. He made sure to watch his footing, the path here had been overgrown slightly. His heart slammed right against his chest once he say the wrought iron gate.

Eli stood with his mouth agape as a rush of emotions threatened to consume him. His breathing came out roughly as he fought back the tears that threatened to overflow. He could feel his face fall as he stared at the giant gate. His body started to shake but he managed to move his feet and journey closer. Eli put a hand to the gate and the tears broke free of the barrier he tried to put up. He bit down on his lower lip, heart racing out of control. Eli shook his head and squared his shoulders. He knew he had to hold it together. It was much too soon to breakdown this way. He cleared his throat and entered the gate. Despite the sunshine, Eli felt chills run through him. It was so quiet here, so serene as he was the only person around. He felt like an intruder among this space. He stepped gingerly, each step cautious and measured. Eli looked up above him. The treetops were dark, only allowing small amounts of light in through the leaves. He looed back in front of him. His eyes scanned as he singled out what he had come all this great way to find. He continued walking along the little path, his feet crunching leaves and grass underneath him. His heart rate quickened and Eli breathed out slowly in response. He was just a few paces away now.

He stood in front of her and the tears fell on their own accord. His grief overwhelmed him and his cries came out in heavy sobs. The pain was all too vivid. Standing above her grave was too much for him. Eli regretted his decision to come at all. His shoulders heaved as he fell into despair. His head began to throb but it was not enough to silence his cries. He was shaking and he felt empty. Eli could no longer feel his body and not too long after, his legs gave out. He collapsed onto the ground and allowed himself to breakdown. The hurt he felt was paralyzing. He sat doubling over in the grass gripping his shirt. His breathing was heavy and he feared he would die right there on her grave. He wiped away his tears and fought o regain composure. "I'm sorry," he said aloud. "God, Julia I'm so sorry for everything. I would have given anything for it to be me...why you? Why you?..." he begged the question repeatedly. "You didn't deserve this. You should be alive, happy...not here. Not six feet under...no...not you...not beautiful you." He exhaled sharply and shook his head. " I miss you so much...and I think about you all the time. There's so much I wish I could take back but I can't and I'm so sorry. If only I could...if only I had the power to undo it all I swear on everything I would for you." Eli hugged his legs to his chest and started to rock back and forth.

He stared at her headstone. He read her name, etched into the cool granite. Her whole existence had come down to this. _Beloved daughter and friend_. Eli shook his head in distaste of it all. He wished this had all been such one big nightmare, but it wasn't. This was his reality and he could no longer hide from that. "I wanted to come by and visit you. So many times I thought it about it but I just...I couldn't bring myself to it. I know it's a terrible excuse. I should be here everyday. But I've been so scared. I hope you can understand that," he said. He swiped at his eyes again, mopping up the mess of tears. "I can never right this wrong and I will always regret that." His tone had grown serious and concentrated. "I will always be sorry to you, no amount of time or words can fix that. As much as it hurts me to say this...I want to move on from this, Julia. I want to be happy. I feel I can't ever be fully be. And I...," he stopped short.

Eli had never been a religious guy. The concept if heaven and hell really didn't hold any merit. But he knew wherever Julia was, she could see his life as it played out everyday. "I met someone. Her name is Clare and she's honestly the love of my life. She's so amazing, Julia. She has the most wonderful eyes, smile...just everything. She's given much so much...I feel like I have been holding out on her. I can't do that to her. It's not fair." He was pleading now. "I have to do right by her and I haven't...not fully. A piece of me will always be with you, but I can't shoulder the hurt and blame anymore. It's breaking me down so badly." He bit hard onto his lip and looked away into the distance. "I needed to let you know...and I need to let you go. This isn't healthy...I've been driving myself mad. You wouldn't even recognize me now." Eli's heart felt heavy but he felt a huge weight coming off of his chest and shoulders. "I love you...I'll always care about you...but it's time for me to move on from this. I think you would want me to." A soft breeze blew in and ruffled Eli's hair. He smiled as the air hit his face. He stared back at her headstone. He leaned in and traced the letters slowly with his fingertips. He felt an odd sense of reassurance. He smiled widely and kissed the top of the headstone.

"It's not goodbye, it's see you later. I'm glad we had this talk." He felt a wince in his stomach. "I know it will get better with time. Thank you for hearing me out...I love you." Eli rose to his feet and dusted off his black jeans. He grabbed his duffel and stood watching the granite headstone. The swelling in his chest disappeared and Eli felt as if he were seeing the world with new eyes. He gave a half-smile, relief washing over him. He nodded his head in approval.

Eli turned and walked the way he had come in. He shot one more glance over his shoulder and waved goodbye to Julia and the life he knew he was finally able to leave behind.


End file.
